The art of fence sitting.

After I've pleasured myself with feeding, I like to reassess my life during the following days. I need to, as there's usually a lot of emotional baggage to unpack.

It's been a few days since I last fed. The bloodlust has left me. And I have to ask myself, as I do in all these post-feed-reviews, how the hell do I end up tied to a bed necking my wife's blood? What the hell? I sure don't want to do that now! Where does that come from? What molecule lies dormant in my body that takes over me to the point where all I can think about is that? I know it's in me, and I can never get rid of it, and that it's going to wake up again, but after three hours of mental pontification, all I ever come up with is, WTF?

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Bondage.

Being tied up does something to me. It's more than the simple act of being restrained. It floods my body with concentrated endorphins. I get the whole pharmacy the moment the rope starts coiling around my wrists. And when that final knot is tied, accompanied by a subtle yet harsh tug, and boy does my wife know how to play that fiddle, I feel like I'm melting in lust from the inside out.It's more than lust, it's surrender. It's a final surrender where I don't have to be in control anymore, I can

Six years was my longest gap between feeds. It wasn't even six years. I fed within the first year of starting my abstinence. It wasn't a deep feed, I didn't go full on vampire, I just licked around the edges a bit, and about two years ago I fed harder, but that was nothing compared to my Red Riding Hood extravaganza. That one was a friggin' concert! So it's not been six years at all if I'm accurate. It's probably been two. 18 months if I narrow it down. 18 months. And here I am again.

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Little Red Riding Blood.

Perhaps if I was offered a banquet of blood wrapped in the sweetest of things, I'd indulge myself fully. Unless I was abstaining. Which in this wonderfully vampiric world may happen. And before a paid a visit to Red Riding Blood, I was six years clean:https://www.fetbook.co.uk/post/i-d-imagine-writing-novels-is-the-occupation-of-choice-for-vampiresThose around me, my kin, my clan, my fellow vampires, have already fallen. The kind that'd happily lick the rim of a toilet if they took a fancy to th

I really felt I screwed up my relationship with God this time. I felt so empty. It went beyond sadness. I felt such remorse that I had decided to carry 30 pieces of silver with me as a mark of my betrayal so deep was my guilt. I felt wretched. I'd broken my word to God. Again. And I was feeding. Again.

Yesterday I decided to go on a spiritual journey to look for Him. I felt sure this time I would not find him. But I needed to try.

I did not know where to begin, all the paths looked the same. The kind of paths you visualize in your mind spiritually. And within my mind, I set foot on one of those paths, not caring if it took an eternity to find God, knowing that if He did not want me to meet Him, I would never find Him, but I took solace in trying to find Him. I needed to. I love him.

And as soon as I stepped foot upon the path, God appeared, and He told me he'd been waiting for me on all paths, he'd been waiting for me to set foot on one of them.

I hadn't been able to face daylight in weeks without eyestrain and headaches and at that moment he told me to go into the daylight. I went outside, and there was no pain. Only God's world and God's love. And while I am so lowly that I can't keep my own word, God, I thank you, for having the strength to give to me that which I don't possess to give to you. My word is nothing but my love for you is great.

I'm making preparations to travel the way I did before I fell. It's tentative. I still feel weak, I feel humble. I feel like a bantling needing to hold God's hand to walk in His light. I'm starting over. I've had many beginnings and this seems one of the brightest of all.

I'm anticipating.

I want to soar. I want to live in the sunlight and see the vastness of the sky and its horizon.

I was defiant. I believed I had the strength to live in God's world regardless, and now that I am humble, I feel that I'm starting to heal. A thorn has been removed from an infected place in my heart.

I don't blame Satan for nudging me back into falling and feeding over the previous months. How could I? He wanted me closer to Him. I love him. And I take warmth in his attention in pulling me towards him. And when I fed on Riding Hood, it was one of the best feeds I'd ever had. It was perfect. Even while feeding, I was amazed at how perfect it felt. It couldn't have been better. However, all good things come to an end. And the aftershock ruined me.

The sensations of the dark have split my world in two. I have frequently been broken through feeling the deeper levels of love through shared blood, yet I have never reached a limit. There is an ocean of feelings held within the blood, and it is never too much, there is never enough. Like air, food and water it is a constant.

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6# Tales from long ago - Newborn.

Sisters in blood, sisters in passion, my morals care not of the view or the fashion.My girls in their lust, eternal in prime,both bloodied and sinful, past logic, or rhyme.My wife and her sister, two sides to my third, my standing now equal, to either their word.My turning from God, wife's gift of succession, few thoughts I have spent, on this final transgression.My role has now changed, from scornful low heel, my strength is now equal, through Satan's full seal.Mind lost to the blood, the thir

I know I will return to the dark again. It holds the essence of my most delightful, needful, beautiful existence-enhancing sin, and I'll never be able to turn away from it fully for I have lived in the dark much longer than I have known the light. I just didn't know any better when I lived in the dark. Now I do. All the pleasure of hell or popping into Waterstones to buy a book to read with your coffee? I know what I often prefer.

I want to live in the light of God. And I want to stay close to the dark. I need both. They are both a part of me and I can't exist without either.

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Outside.

I look at the ground beneath my feet as I walk, knowing how old each single step I take is and how long the earth has known my footfall. I look up and gaze upon all the people I see near and far and realize that if everyone whose life at that moment was shorter than mine vanished, there would most likely not be a soul left to see.The world is a pleasant playground and kindness is at the heart of my life. I have a smile for everyone, kindness for everyone, time, for everyone, and I wander, timele

I love the daylight, I need it. I want the day, yet the power of the dark, I want what it affords me. To walk with Satan, you have the best protector — barring God Himself — and as a traveling companion, Satan rocks. Why? Because people don't fear God in the same way they do Satan, people fear being hurt, they don't fear being forgiven.

When I'm traveling I make a point of walking through the worst areas. I don't know why, I don't have any reason to, I just like it. I like how it makes me feel.

I like being within Satan's power, I like feeling protected, I like feeling safe and I like feeling strong. I've seen the films, the TV shows, and none of them encapsulate the fear you can put in someone who isn't very nice, or thinks they're a potential threat to you. I'd go to the worst areas and find the worst people to gauge their reactions simply by being there. I enjoy the 'I'm going to look at anything but you' expressions I often come across and, better yet, some people approach me and treat me like they have known me forever. I often feel the same about them.

I've found some of my closest and most dangerous friends in those times. Some have become family to me. Having friends who would put themselves in peril for you? And the deep sense of love that it generates? The irony is not lost on me that the most dangerous are often the most loving. I have cried for the depth of sincerity and care given by some of the people in my life I have befriended in the worst of places.

I'm reminded of a quote from the film Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

"I've seen knights in armor panic at the first hint of battle. And I've seen the lowliest, unarmed squire pull a spear from his own body, to defend a dying horse. Nobility is not a birthright. It's defined by one's actions."

And isn't that the whole point of existence itself? To love? To care? To find people who are worth more to you than life itself?

Isn't that why I turned towards the dark in the beginning? Because of love?

Isn't this entire existence a carousel endlessly revolving through the light and the dark to experience the deepest love in both?

I am not cursed. I am blessed. I am blessed by all those I love and who love me. Perhaps in the end, when God puts me down, and he will, for we all die eventually, I hope I get a chance to remember my loved ones before oblivion. Assuming that is my fate. I'd like to believe I'll get angel wings but can't help but wonder if it'll be a pointy tail.

I understand the dichotomy of loving and adoring God and Satan. Some tell me that I'm 'sitting on the fence' or 'playing one against the other', but it wouldn't be true. I simply won't abandon either of them, and in the end, at the end, if it rips me apart, my last thoughts, I hope, will be knowing I gave myself to both, because I loved them.

To the light.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CI7Fo4p0v8&list=RD_CI7Fo4p0v8&start_radio=1

To the dark.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJGpsL_XYQI