Guilt.
- Jul 16
- 7 min read
I remember how I felt in the years before the turn, and how I felt during the turn, and how I've felt since. I'm not the same. There is a clear divide. I'm still that person from before, yet I'm also this person now. And I'm not the same. It split me. Changed me. Not all good. Not really all bad. But mostly perplexing depending on my mood. I certainly feel perplexed at the moment.
If I told you how many decades I've been feeding, you'd probably tell me to piss off. I started before the cars had barely arrived, the roads were virtually clear of traffic at all times of day and the world seemed brighter and wider with far less people in the cities than in this resented day.
Imagine someone doing something to you that left you reeling. One moment you're in a normal state of awareness, aware that some serious fuckery was about to happen, but you had no idea what it would feel like, and then feeling like you're being dropped into an ocean loaded with weights. Within a few seconds of my turn, that's what it felt like. One moment I was all 'Let's do this' and the next I felt like I'd been thrown out of a plane without a parachute. My body, the sensations, how do I describe that? I could try. It won't make sense, not even to me.
I write these blogs for me. I probably read them more than anyone else, and I like them to be detailed, but I can't describe how I felt. I had a set of sensations and awareness before my turn and I didn't believe after my turn I could possibly feel much different and yet that idea was completely and utterly destroyed in the most laughable way possible. What I felt as myself before the turn and what I felt after the turn, they're not the same universe.
And then I started living as the 'new me'. Well, the 'new me' with the 'old me' trapped inside a tiny little cave inside my new awareness. That really did fuck me up beyond imagination.
I'm still not complete, there are two of me. I have a dark side and a light side. The light side I was born as. The dark side I was turned as. And they really don't get along. There is no harmony between them. The dark wants the light gone completely. The light accepts the dark as part of 'overall me' and wishes to live in harmony. The light can live with the dark. The dark will not live with the light.
Some years back, decades back, I was pretty cool with my dark side and enjoyed it a bit more than I do now, and went into that vampire life, culture, whatever, deeply. My guilt didn't exist back then, and I fed as much as I wanted to.
That doesn't mean necking strangers. I did try — in a consensual adult way — but I tell you, generally people taste like ashtrays. They taste like beer, pizza and cigarettes. They taste like a week's worth of crap they've stuffed inside themselves. Your tongue would feel better licking the road.
Of course, you have to try these things. Not licking the roads. But trying people. Not good to be honest. Not good at all. Sour.
I migrated to the club scene eventually. There are clubs for everything and you bet there are clubs for vampires. There are kinky clubs, sexy clubs, kinky sexy clubs and kinky sexy vampire clubs and those, haha! Fuck me, they were awesome! I went a lot, sometimes three times a week. Back then, I lived to party. Fucking loved it. Lived it. And eventually when I'd exhausted everything I wanted to try, I went along just to chill. I remember once I was just sitting in the chilling out area, video screens on the walls pumping out music and watching Adam's Rickett's I breathe again. I could really super-identify with the song — I felt so alive — and I felt life couldn't get any better.
However, all things came to an end and I left the club scene some time after. I simply got bored by it.
But private shindigs, with consenting adults who are careful about what they eat before donating. Small gatherings to have a mutual feed. That's one of my things.
I used to get so excited leading up to being able to just let myself go and feed. It was exhilarating in ways I can't really describe. I loved it. Even before I was anywhere near the time to feed, the anticipation itself overwhelmed me. It was all I could think about, it was all I wanted, and everything else just faded into the background. I felt alive, guilt hadn't even entered my mind. I didn't give God or sin much thought back then. I even felt good about myself, I wasn't hurting anyone, everyone I fed on was willing and wanting it, as much as me. And others fed on me, I was always happy to share. I like it.
The post-feed aftershock always deeply sucks. I always cop for that every time. The disconnect from the people I fed on hits me really hard the following day. It's depressing, miserable, even upsetting. There's an emotional gap between me and the person I fed on afterward that feels just really awful and can't quite be reclaimed unless I feed on them again. Do remember this is all adult consensual stuff — and it takes a good three days for me to start feeling a bit more like myself again after a feed.
I don't even know when things changed for me relating to me starting to feel guilty about feeding. It's just not in my memory.
I don't have an event in my mind where guilt became a thing for me.
I remember for a long time I felt no guilt. And then I started to feel guilt.
No memory.
However, for a long time I have felt guilt when feeding, so much so that I keep trying to abstain from feeding at all.
And I keep failing.
I had a lucid dream some years ago — not the 'Satan showing me a version of myself feeding' dream that I blogged about recently.
The lucid dream I'm describing now was about God. He took me to heaven and showed me its landscape, and it was beautiful. In the vast distance and far below the edge I stood near, there were lands and cities and oceans, and it was so beautiful and so fresh and so peaceful, and God by my side and beckoned me to be there with Him.
I think that's where I started to feel guilt.
I've not been quite the same since that dream.
I just know that I need to pull away from the dark. It's in me. Truth is, I don't want it anymore. I don't. I don't. I want to be at peace with God.
Time is odd. I know it never stops, but it does seem to revolve in circles. I don't seem to be moving forward though time. I seem to be simply going in a circle around time. Feed, be forgiven, feed, be forgiven, feed. I feel trapped in a circle.
In all the times I have fed, there's only been one time, just a single time, when I actually felt good about myself the day after I fed. And that time wasn't a normal feed, it was an occasion. And shortly before I fed, I was branded with the mark of Satan. Not the sigil. Not that. Something else, on my thigh. It's still there to this day, of course, but at that time, that feed, it was sublime with zero aftershock. And the day after, I was just chilling out, and I felt so serene, really felt at peace and I thought, am I going to feel like this forever? I really thought I might. But it only lasted a day.
For a time after getting branded, I was proud of the mark I bear, for a long time after, but these days, it feels more like an insult to God. I can't cut it out. It'll always be there. I have to accept it.
My mind is like a yoyo. Only a few months ago, I was going to have sigils cut into my chest. Clearly my mind is on all levels of fucked up. Like I say, light and dark, always light and dark.
Then there's the super movie-vampire tropes. Oh, if you're a vampire, you'll burn up in sunlight! Don't go outside!
Funny.
Funny, as I found out, it has merit.
After I feed, the sunlight absolutely fucks me up.
I'm putting this down to a psychosomatic subconscious response due to my mind believing that I'm committing a sin against God by drinking blood.
Therefore, I'm punishing myself by removing an aspect of my life that I enjoy, i.e. going outside. That sounds almost sane.
Before a feed, the sun looks great to me, it has a nice hue. I love it. It warms me. I feel good in it. But after a feed?
The sun looks utterly different to me. It looks so bright, it's almost blinding white. And everything the sunlight hits is blinding white too. It makes me feel like throwing up. I never have yet, but I have come real close.
Headaches, migraine level. They start off slowly, ramp up, and stay ramped up. I get in the dark. The pain eases off. I go back in the light. The headache comes back. Rinse and repeat.
Eventually, sometimes days and sometimes it's been weeks, things settle down for me regarding sunlight. I acclimatize back into the light. I ask for God's help, like a mouse begging for a morsel from a person's table. And God puts me back on my feet, wind's me up like a clockwork toy and sets me going again.
Or maybe my subconscious guilt is letting me go free again. Rinse and repeat.