Sigil.
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
Some months ago, I came close to taking Satan's final marks on my flesh. Two sigils on my chest through a scarification process.
The templates were created and sized for my chest. What the sigils look like doesn't matter for this blog.
The templates were placed on my chest and my first thoughts were, you know what? These look fucking awesome. They suited my chest perfectly, one on each of the pectoralis major muscles.
It might sound severe and all kinds of weird and OK, it is, but I was still having fun with it.
I went to the mirror and looked at myself and the designs and thought cool, I love them, and I continued to admire myself a bit more, knowing I wouldn't get much chance to show them off in public short of getting thrown in a loony bin.
And I have to say, even the templates alone were starting to affect me, in a really indescribable way. I don't quite have the words. I'm not sure words have been created to offer a description. It was a combination of exhilaration tempered with an urgency to throw my lunch up. It wasn't a very pleasant feeling at all and my head felt like it was filled with helium.
Nonetheless, I was set to go ahead with the scarifications and settle myself down for the process.
All this was going on a few weeks after I lost a loved one. I'd started feeding again, and I was in my deepest "what the hell!" mood going, I just wanted to bury myself inside hell, it was the only place I knew where my grief couldn't follow me, so what do I do? Yup, let's get scarified.
Anyway, I'm there trying not to throw up. Those templates, they just suck power out of hell, and it's hard to rein them in at first.
And then the world dropped out of my existence.
If anyone has ever had any experience of God getting right in the same room as you and giving the severest of warnings possible? Well, that's what happened to me.
My stomach dropped to the floor and my brain was filled with terror over what I was about to do.
And despite all the crap I get up to in life — all the consenting adult stuff, Mr-Vampire-Rave-Blog-Monitor, God made it solemnly clear that if I took the marks, through scarification into my flesh, I'd be lost to Him. Forever. No rewinds. No second chance. A final and irrecoverable goodbye.
I have to say, I don't often feel terrified, but I fucking did then. Shit. I felt like I was about to throw myself off a cliff.
Also, the demons had turned up for the induction party and were pulling me one way while God didn't pull me at all. He waited.
Bone deep scared.
I saw the deep chasm that awaited me. I saw the life of the deep.
And the edge I was on.
The demons pulling me over it.
And God behind me told me it was the final choice. A final and irrevocable choice.
And despite all this going on? Guess what I was thinking about? Despite being shit scared I was thinking damn, I'm not going to get these awesome designs on my chest now!!!! That's right, all that was going on and all I wanted to do was to jazz my chest up with some rocking designs. I'm an arsehole.
So I decided there and then to refuse the scarification, then some other things happened that I couldn't type. It wasn't exactly a 'hi & bye' scenario. However, I refused. I moved away from the edge. I choose God.
Things calmed down pretty quickly then. The templates simply became templates and the helium head and throwing up stomach issues vanished, and I pulled the plates off my chest. Kinda looked at them lovingly, but they're not worth losing God. What is? I fuck around with the blood, and he's been forgiving of that, but the Sigil is something else.
You may think my refusing Satan would have grave implications for me, and perhaps in some cases it's true. Satan should never be underestimated or misunderstood and anyone who disagrees, is a fool.
However, I refused, and have gone on with my life since then.
On no!! Why didn't Satan 'Omen 2' you and cut you in half in an elevator????? For dissin' his party and ruining everything???
In answer, I'm often reminded of a film The Devil's Advocate and its ending. After a character refuses Satan, as I did in that instance, Satan simply created a path into the person's future where he would be faced with the same choice again, perhaps endlessly, until he fell and took Satans offer.
Let's face it, it was my second attempt at taking the Sigils. The first time I went further, and I begged God to save me during the process. He ... saved ... me.
I mean how much love can God have for a person?
God, Satan. Their depths are unfathomable. And that's coming from someone who takes holidays in hell. I did go to heaven a few times. It might sound crazy in a blog, but what the hell?
Unfortunately, I haven't been invited back, sadly.
Like I mentioned in a different blog. I'd climbed to the top of the snakes and ladders board and fell to the bottom several months ago. I'm about three rows up atm, and there is a big snake coming up this weekend, so I'll probably drop off the fucking board lol.
I created a song, based on the things I wrote about in this blog. The song is called Sigil and is track 19 on the music page.